Happy Birthday to Me
by fukuji mihoko
Summary: Axel gets Roxas an 'oh-so-amusing' gift from a certain sex store for his birthday. Roxas is less than enthused. :AU, Axel/Roxas:


**Happy Birthday to Me**

* * *

"…I am not wearing that."

Smirking lazily, in a manner Axel probably thought was 'debonair' and 'charming', but Roxas found so incredibly annoying he was half-tempted to punch the other boy in the face, Axel said, "Hn? But it's a birthday present. You can't reject a _birthday present _from your best friend, Roxas. That's, like, against the rules of friendship or something."

"If you're trying to establish rules, there's an obvious power imbalance here. Friends shouldn't try to make 'rules'."

Axel shrugged. "Well, I _am _older than you. It's only fair I get to boss you around a little, right?"

"Hey. You're only older than me because you failed fourth grade, like, twice, and had to keep re-taking the year. If anything, that shows you're mentally inferior to me, and _I _should be the one to boss you around."

Unlike Axel, who was intelligent but lazy, and didn't bother listening to the teachers in class, Roxas studied hard, even if he wasn't naturally gifted, and was always at the top of the class.

It wasn't like Roxas was totally enthused by class or anything – but his parents were very stern about grades, so it was far easier to burn energy working hard in school, than to get chewed out by his parents for doing badly. After careful consideration, Roxas had decided studying to avoid the wrath of his family was the most energy-saving route to take, and so had applied himself diligently to his work ever since.

Because of this, Axel poked fun at him – but Axel was the kind of person who would poke fun at the sky for being blue, or the rain for being wet, so Roxas tried to ignore it.

…It didn't work, but he _tried_.

"Hey. I'm not dumb," said Axel, poking Roxas in the ribs and making him squirm. "It's not like I didn't understand any of the material in fourth grade or anything. I could've passed all those tests, no problem."

"Then why didn't you?"

Axel shrugged again – his bony shoulders (for all the greased junk food he liked to consume, he sure was skinny) moving under his black jacket.

"I dunno. Maybe 'cause my little sister always got the special treatment in the family – with her cute chubby cheeks, and the fact she's always been so weirdly good at the piano. So, even though I wasn't a stupid kid, I never got praised or anything – always overshadowed by my little sis. I guess my fragile masculine pride couldn't take it or something, so I started doing real bad at school to get attention. Heh. Men can be pretty pathetic." Axel smiled, looking a little sheepish (unusually so), as he rubbed the back of his head. "It didn't really work. But, I can't blame my parents. Kairi's a real adorable dumpling. I'd want to spoil her, too."

Although Axel was often callous and careless, and often crass, he did seem to have a real soft side for his little sister. Roxas couldn't remember him ever saying a single nasty thing about her.

Well, Roxas didn't have anything bad to say about Kairi, either. She was in his year (and Axel's, now – given he had fallen behind so much), and she was – to use a slightly outdated term – 'a real peach'. The kind of girl who volunteered to help out at old people's homes, and liked to bake, was a genius at the piano, and had a passing interest in occultism and black magic…

Yeah… Roxas still remembered when Kairi had been kind of hooked on occultism, and had gone around wearing only black, proudly claiming she was a Satanist. That was a couple of years ago – and it had probably been Axel who'd influenced her, what with his penchant for Cattle Decapitation, and that poster of Malice Mizer's Mana on his bedroom wall, in all his black, lacy, Gothic Lolita glory ("my ideal woman" Axel always joked, in regards to his fondness for Mana.)

Weirdly, even though Axel and Kairi weren't all that similar in terms of personality, they always seemed to get along really well. It was charming. Whenever Roxas had been at Axel's house, Kairi and Axel had always been bickering playfully.

Huh… Why did a disreputable person like Axel get to have such a cute little sister, anyway? It just wasn't fair.

Roxas was an only child – and because of this, his parents piled all kinds of expectations on him. It went against Roxas' 'energy-conserving' personality, and was kind of stressful.

Roxas was pretty close to his cousin, Sora – but it wasn't the same as having a real sibling.

"Eh. And maybe I failed fourth grade so much 'cause my teacher, Miss Gainsborough, was kind of pretty," said Axel suddenly – returning to the previous topic of conversation with a laugh. "There's definitely a reason why I decided to fail the year whilst she was my teacher – as opposed to Mr Leonhart, who took fifth grade… Always looked like he'd just heard his cat had died, or something. A real bundle of laughs. Kind of like you, Rox."

"…Oh gee, thanks."

"No problem, buddy."

"Don't call me buddy."

"But I bought you a birthday present and everything! That means I get special treatment, right? I bet, like, the only other person who got you a gift was Sora."

"That isn't true," Roxas said, stony-faced. "My parents got me something, too."

"Your parents don't count."

"Well, fine then. You and Sora are the only people my age who got me gifts. But, I have the right to turn something down if I don't like it – and this… _thing_… you've lumbered me with-"

"Generously bequeathed, I think you'll find."

"Shut up. This _thing_, which you've bought from… who knows where…"

"Yuffie's Emporium of Adult Delights!" Axel more than happily informed, still with that _smirk _on his face. "It's pretty cool in there, you know. It's so _pink_, in this kind of aggressive way – and Yuffie's real funny."

"I guess you need a sense of humour if you work in a sex store, and weird perverts like you come in and bother her every day."

"Hey, I'm not a pervert," said Axel, feigning surprise. "I didn't buy this for _me_, you know. I bought it for you! And you should be thanking me, too!" Axel grinned, and thumped his chest with his fist in pride. "I know you're not old enough to go into such a store, kid – but I decided, being such a _good friend_, I could go inside for you, and buy you something to make your embarrassing adolescent fantasies come true! Isn't that what real friends are for?"

Roxas grit his teeth together.

"I-I… I… Don't have… Any fantasies like this…"

"Hey, sure you do! Come on, don't be shy!" said Axel, slapping Roxas jovially on the back. "We're friends – you can confide in me! I mean, we watched _Satan's School for Girls _together. And, ever since that night, an unbreakable fond was forged…"

"Watching crappy B-grade horror movies together doesn't mean anything. I-it certainly doesn't mean I'm going to admit to having some weird fetishes I don't have…!"

By this point, Roxas' face was going red – even though he was trying to hide it.

Roxas, seated by Axel's side on the rather comfy sofa in his living room, was huddled up in a little ball of fluffy blond hair and irritation; blue eyes fixed on the floor, arms wrapped round his knees, scowling.

This unhappy expression, although it was directed at the floor, wasn't _aimed _at the floor, however. Roxas wasn't the kind of person who used up unnecessary energy getting mad at inanimate objects.

Instead, Roxas' disapproval was focused on the birthday present Axel had given him, that had been unceremoniously crumpled up and thrown to the floor.

It was a maid dress.

For his birthday, Axel had bought Roxas a light pink maid dress, with a tiny skirt and a frilly white apron, with a matching maid cap, from an adult sex store called Yuffie's Emporium of Adult Delights.

And, as Axel had cheerfully told Roxas, as he stared at the thoughtful gift in horror, 'I got it in your size, too! I know you'll love it!'

As Roxas stared at the offending article of clothing, he felt sure his face was about to turn the same red as a cherry tomato.

W-what a… 4chan-ish thing to do…

Of course, it fit Axel's personality perfectly.

"I-I have no fantasies like that!" Roxas suddenly exploded; jerking upwards from his protective ball-like state, to glare at Axel square in the eyes. His green, green eyes. "Why the hell would you buy me that, _anyway_? Like I'd wear something so weird…! I know you have a thing for guys dressing up as girls, since you like Mana so much, but don't force your weird sexual desires on me, and then blame me for them…! I mean, _you _can dress up as a maid all you want, but don't rope me into it…!"

"Oh?" And, at this impassioned outburst – very rare for one like Roxas, who often only gave monosyllabic replies – Axel only smiled. "You'd be interested in _me _wearing such a thing instead, Rox~as?"

"I… Ah… Huh…?"

Roxas' mouth opened in the shape of an 'o'.

His eyes widened.

Suddenly, the image of Axel dressed in that completely fetishistic outfit filled his head… The short skirt, the apron, the maid cap… With matching underwear, too…?

Aaa…

W-well, it wasn't like Roxas thought Axel was attractive of anything, of course not; he was weird and skinny, with those two tattoos under his eyes and that shock of bright red hair – and, to cap it all, he was also very, very, _very _unpleasant and annoying. Roxas had never thought Axel was pretty, or slightly feminine-looking, or reminiscent of his younger sister in the way he offered those rare, genuine smiles – he'd never thought it at all…!

And, even if they had kissed once in the past, well… It was late at night, and Roxas had been more than a little sleepy, and maybe a little mopey at the thought he didn't have many friends – even though that was through personal preference, it wasn't because he found interacting with others awkward or embarrassing; it was just a _pain_ that was all, so Roxas really hadn't been thinking right… And it was a stupid kiss, anyway, because _Satan's School for Girls _had been on in the background, and that was a really ridiculous movie, so that automatically meant any possible romance from that situation had been wiped clean, didn't it…? It hadn't made a 'bond' or anything else… …!

"Heh. You're so cute when you get flustered. If you showed that side more, you'd definitely have more friends."

"I… I… I-I'm not _cute_."

"Adorable, then. Heh." Axel smiled. "But, I was just teasing about that dress. That's actually not for you."

"Huh?" Roxas blinked; the image of Axel in the pink, frilly attire vanishing from his mind. "Then, who is it for…?"

"Kairi's doing some maid café thing with her class, for the school's culture festival. She said she wanted to dress up – she really likes trying on clothes – and asked me to pick it up for her. I just wanted to tease you a little, that's all. It's fun."

"Y-yeah… You've always been that annoying, haven't you?" Roxas said bitterly; half to himself, half to Axel. "Che. W-well… Even for you, something like that would be shameless. Though, I wouldn't put it past you…"

"Then, maybe I should put that down as a possible Christmas gift. But, nah – I got you something a little more entertaining. See?"

And with that, Axel picked up his checkboard-print rucksack, and unzipped it. Reaching inside, he then pulled out something. Or… several 'somethings', rather.

A whole slew of very old, very awful B-grade horror videos; exactly the kind Roxas liked. There was just something very comforting about those dumb movies, that tried so, _so _hard to be scary, but just ended up failing miserably due to bad budgets, bad acting, and copious amount of tomato-sauce, bright-red blood. Something about how annoying they were was actually kind of a chart point, and they always made Roxas smile.

Heh… Maybe there was a similarity there, between those awful movies… and Axel himself…

"Aah… W-well, um…" Blushing a little from thanks, Roxas looked away shyly; secretly happy Axel would indulge him in his love for awful cinema, even though he found Roxas' bizarre taste in movies so funny. "I-I guess it was… thoughtful… I mean… Do you want to watch them with me…?"

"Sure. It'll be a blast! We have a busy night ahead of us! Heh…~" Axel smirked – though that expression wasn't quite as annoying this time. "Especially if you get all emotional on me, like you did before."

"Aah…!" Roxas tensed, face red. "T-that was just… a misunderstanding…! I mean… It's not like I like you or anything…!"

"Aw. Cute." Axel smiled. "You know, if that is the case, I don't mind. I think you're pretty appealing, kid. So, if you want to kiss more, or anything, I'm to~tally fine with it. Just throwing that out there! I mean, and it is your birthday, so-"

"Aah… I-idiot…"

And with that comment – directed either at Axel or himself, it was impossible to know – Roxas suddenly, impulsively, going quite against his typical nature of 'conserving energy' so as to not get involved in anything troublesome… Roxas ended up doing something that would, undoubtedly, cause quite a lot of trouble in the future, indeed.

He leant forwards, and kissed Axel on the lips.

* * *

**a/n: **i just like maids okay */*  
wah... i used to love this fandom, too. like, 6 or 7 seven years ago. how nostalgic...


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